“Cumin has no place on hen.”
“Semen? I already saw mine today.”
“LT is the saddest sandwich I ever heard of.”
“It was like two gorillas fighting over a piece of dental floss.”
I was snippy about my mom’s constant reminders to “watch what’s on the range” until I remembered that I did burn down her kitchen once.
Doing something that’s totally legal in California.
I don’t know what to think: This stretch of highway is sponsored by a traffic school.
When people with bad laughs date, everyone in this restaurant loses.
My phone just auto-finished “manscaping”.
In the spirit of the evening, someone’s getting a hilarious kick in the nuts.
It would be a lot less dangerous if I didn’t also have to hide the fact that I’m texting on the fwy.
My dad likes to follow up the phrase “Can you imagine…?” with things that are totally fucking easy to imagine.
I think it’s sad that the makers of Jaguar can’t pronounce the name of their own car.
How does Frank Gehry have a job? Srsly, what an asshole.
This soul food is totally mediokra.
Every so often, I’m reminded that even doves have pride.