This is unfinished.
I startled awake, looking behind me as the water along the river receded, realizing my foot had just left the bobbing, sinking top of a VW microbus, rapidly shrinking to a final white spray behind me. And I was a voice and a movement over the water.
I’m thinking about what my life means to me. How precious it is.
It was when I looked for my vehicle that I was startled. Before, I’d been touching what I’d thought were either reflections or singular shapes under the surface, but turned out to be patterns on a surface that felt somewhere between cardboard with a finish of sand crust as it fell away, a false surface. [fix prose — also: link to http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2013/03/oceanic-crust-ecosystem/all/]
Photography metaphor. A metaphor for a lot of things.
I’ve been daydreaming about homes far away. The last month or so of work, I’d find myself gazing lovingly at a 300-year-old bakery in the south of France. At a mill (with stream) in Portugal.
Tara gave me the courage…
This book is about acknowledgements — or, at least it’s partly so. I’d thought of the title/idea three years ago. All I want to do is love. I am so lucky to have such exquisitely [autocorrect tried to fix to “exquisite lay”] sensitive and loving and inspiring people in my life.
This is what I’ve been wanting to write, and I’m crying because I have the time to write it, for the first time. I actually managed to make a little space for myself. I’m crying while I write because this feels like a breakthrough. This feeling is very special to me. This is why I do things. This feeling. This absorbing or the outer to inner (and vice-versa) — this permeable membrane at the edge of myself. The gratitude I feel when I’m near to that and it’s an enriching experience, not a let-down or an old story. Something unexpected and rewarding to me. My friends and family have given me so many of those moments.
Here’s what I think: Erik & I are having big psychological or logical breakthroughs pretty often, writing like maniacs, etc. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that that’s probably stressful to our systems.
It’d be nice to leave connectedness behind for a few days and get some real rest.
We are so well attuned to each other. That feels great… [I’m saying this all wrong.]
Putting on an episode of Wait Wait and we’re both fucking off online, all over the world, daydream doodling, but we’re next to each other, and… [I can’t write.]
Sometimes it’s nice hanging out with dumb people. Or wandering around online.
I was in such a bubble in China. There’s just an uncrossable divide for a blond girl. But as a result… Ha. I just reversed the bubble in my mind, because I was talking about China. Chess vs. Go. The big bubbles in China made us laowai gather closely in the cracks. It’s how you keep your own culture.
Mom movie is the first installment on the tumblr Acknowledgements page. Or maybe leave the ones up currently as what it took to get me there. More real.
Mom movie is the first installment on the tumblr Ack. page.
Make the Kickstarter & get it right before putting it up.
The Ack. page can be the home of all the letters I want to write to my friends who’ve fallen out of my life, and what they mean(t) to me.
And I can email them the link, to let them know I’m thinking about them. And that feels nice.
I could be a professional friend, but I don’t want to sell out. Also: time alone. I need lots of that. I’m an asshole and I need to be in my hermit cave a fair amount, so everyone just needs to fuck off sometimes. I get too stressed out. Mama needs to cheel.