My phone has been running slowly lately. It’s new and shiny and this slowness was disconcerting, so I tinkered and explored until I found the culprit - the Facebook app. I uninstalled it (I hardly ever use it) and was amazed by the difference:
- My phone’s battery life increased dramatically.
- The phone stopped lagging when I changed applications.
- It deleted all my ex’s phone numbers (the ones I sometimes think about phoning).
- My gums stopped bleeding when I brush too hard. They are firm now. Robust.
- The ghosts that live in my teeth finally left, packing up tiny suitcases with their ghost clothes as I lay in bed one night, mouth open. They disappeared into the heavy night with soft calls of “So long, buddy - so long.”
- Feeling has slowly returned to my left hand. It no longer scuttles and flinches as if it has a mind of its own. It no longer twitches furiously when someone mentions coriander or the series ‘Firefly.’
- I can taste again - the soft succulence hidden beneath the firm skin of a peach; the buttery crunch of warm toast; the delectable burn of a lead paint chip.
- I no longer cough up hair or blood or vanilla pudding, none of which I can remember eating.
- Dogs have stopped talking to me. They open their mouths as if to speak, re-consider, close them again.
- Mark Zuckerburg no longer phones me late at night. (“Mark?” I’d say. “Is that you?” He’d be quiet, just breathing. He only responded once - “How can I tell now who my friends are?” “I don’t know, Mark,” I said. We sat in silence for another hour until he hung up.)
- My phone is no longer as warm in my pocket.
So if you’re experiencing dramatic battery loss maybe you should uninstall the Facebook app.
DUDE, I AM TOTALLY UNINSTALLING THE FACEBOOK APP!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!~